I've recently become fascinated with a girl, whom I've never met, never really talked to except through messages, and don't even know. I got a newsletter in my email from military.com about two ladies they were going to talk to who lost someone in Iraq. The talked about one woman who's husband was killed and they have 5 kids, and they talked about Melissa who lost her fiancee. There was a link that said "Read her blog here." So I did. And every day since. That's actually how I came to be on this here blogger :)
Everytime there is a new post on her blog, I tell my husband about it that night. About how she is feeling, what she did the day she found out, her vent sessions like yesterday. When I was telling him about that last night, I said to him, "I don't think I know what really happened. I don't think she has ever said." I went and looked through all her posts, again, to see if maybe I just didn't remember, but there was nothing. Dave said it was probably a humvee or some kind of truck because that's usually how it happens. But I didn't know.
This morning, I get to work, and wouldn't you know it: Her new post has a link to a guy they call Badger's story. He was there, on the radios, overseeing the convoys to retrieve a CH-46 that went down. One of those was her fiancee Jim's convoys. They were attacked and one of the RPG's or whatever it was the insurgents were using hit right where Jim was sitting.
You might ask, "How can she be so fascinated by this person that she doesn't know?" If you know what its like to worry about you're husband or boyfriend or dad or brother, and they read her story so you know what it feels like not to have to worry anymore because they got the ultimate ticket out of harms way you'd know. I'm fascinated by her, proud of her, and heart-broken for her. There are so many emotions that tie into this story because I know how it feels to have to worry, Dave was deployed for 14 months. I know what it feels like to have you're heart drop to the floor everytime the phone rings. I don't, however, know what it feels like to have him come home and not be able to hug him, or kiss him, or laugh with him, or hold his hand ever again.
She has gone through so much heartache, and pain, and just shitty-ness, yet she still gets up every morning even when she feels like she can't. She goes to work, to the same place she found out he was gone, everyday and has to deal with those feelings everyday. And she has to wake up from a dream she is having about Jim only to have to those dreams shattered, because she does wake up, she does go to work, and she does have to realize everyday that he is gone. But she does, and because of that I know she is a stronger woman than I could ever hope to be.
I tell her every so often, that I'm so sorry for her. She probably gets sick of hearing it, but it's the only thing I know how to say. I can't tell her I understand, I don't. I can't tell her I know how she is feeling, because I don't.
Sorry is the only word I can use that fits. I told her once to keep her head up, and a tissue in her hand. I felt that was appropriate. Because she is still normal, and so strong, and still living her life day to day, even when she feels like she can't or it would be easier to just cry in her bed. I love her for that.
I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I'm writing it anyway. I want people to know what its like to have to feel that way. To have to die inside everyday, but still go on. She's 19 years old and lost her true love, and is still going because she knows there is something else, something bigger than her or Jim or any of us. If you are reading this, please read her blog. And then you can know why I feel the way I do.
